Piles of shirts are currently lining the floor of my living
room, waiting to be delivered to friends and family. They seem to stare at me
ironically. “HOPE.” Lately, hope has been the thing I identify with the least.
When I chose these shirts to sell as part of my fundraising, I’ll admit, I
chose them primarily because I found the design aesthetically pleasing. I
didn’t realize at the time that hope would be the theme for my trip.
This March I was laid-off unexpectedly and found out that I
didn’t get into my top choice Ph.D. program for this fall. I found myself
without a job and with an extra, unexpected year out of school on my hands. I
try to play it off as not a big deal, but to be honest, I’m terrified that I
won’t get into a Ph.D. program and I’ll have to find a new direction for my
life. For the first time in my life, I’m not sure of the next steps in my life.
I’m not sure of success. I’m petrified of failure, of not being enough without
being the best, the smartest, or the most accomplished. I’m not sure that I can
achieve what I want most, what I feel like I’m made to do. My purpose.
So I’ve been desperately grasping for control in my life,
which has meant pushing God out of my life. I’ve been avoiding spending time
with Him because I’m afraid of what He’ll say. I’m afraid that the course for
the rest of my life will be pain and disappointment. I can name and explain all
the prominent theodicies, yet I find it difficult to understand why I can’t
shake my depression. I have what’s called dysthymia or persistent depressive disorder
(DSM-5). For those of you unfamiliar with the criteria for mood disorders, it
is “characterized by a depressed mood that occurs for most of the day, for more
days than not, for at least 2 years.” I was diagnosed with depression at 14, and have continued to struggle with it
almost every day of my life. The longer this goes on, the more difficult it is
for me to believe that things will ever get better.
I know that it is normal to feel unsure of the future at
this point in one’s life, but coupled with my depression, I feel like Jeremiah,
the weeping prophet. I wonder how he persevered when everything around him was
so bleak. I wonder why I persevere and wonder how long I can keep going. I
understand suffering for the gospel, but not suffering in general, and it’s
easy for me to lose sight of the bigger picture. I lose sight of the hope that
died so I could LIVE.
Going to South Africa is not only an amazing,
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to see the world, serve, and walk outside of my
comfort zone, but also to give control of my life back to God, to say, “My
life is in Your hands, and that’s all I need.”
Please join me in this adventure through your prayers,
encouragement, and financial contributions. I will update you on my trip as I
am able, but I will only have sporadic internet access. Learn more about the
details of my trip at www.experiencemission.org/sponsor/swick
