It's Hard to Say Goodbye

As I’m preparing to go home, I am filled with a very difficult mix of emotions. I am so happy and grateful for the time I’ve had here, but it hurts my heart to leave. I have formed many strong relationship with people here, nationals and missionaries alike, and it is unfortunately highly likely that I may never see most of them again. I will be able to keep in touch with most, and might even be lucky enough to meet up with some of the US missionaries in the future, but I cannot count on seeing my national friends again.

I have gotten quite close to three ladies here: our hausmeri, Kitty; a coworker of mine from LCORE, Rudy; and Jotty, who works at the high school, but I met her in Ukarumpa village. The upside is that all three of these women are believers, so we will be together again in heaven, but it still breaks my heart to leave them. I know that I leave them in God’s capable hands, as well as those I did not mention, but it doesn’t lessen my sadness. I am full of the joy of the Lord, but still acutely feeling an earthly sorrow. Prayers for my strength would be appreciated. The is a good church in Ukarumpa village, so I am confidant that the locals there will continue to be influenced by people who love them like I do. There are still around 300 language groups that are without a translation program in the works. Pray for these as well when you think of me.

I must admit for you all to understand the depth of my emotions that I am tearing up just thinking about leaving these beloved friends of mine. I will see Jotty again tomorrow, perhaps for the last time, but she has an email address so we can keep in touch. Kitty will be here tomorrow as well, so that will be the last time for me to see her. Rudy lives next door and I will hopefully see her a few more times before I leave.

I am tempted to say that it is cruel for me to get to know and love these people and then possibly never see them again, but I have faith and joy that go beyond this world, so I do have a profound peace about leaving. I stick by the psalm tattooed on my foot. Psalm 57:7. God is faithful and righteous in all things, no matter how hard they are.

I spent several hours in Ukarumpa village yesterday, just talking and hanging out with people. I don’t think I will ever be more welcome or safe than I am in the village. Everyone there is a friend to me. They are just so happy that I am willing to spend time with them and they don’t even know that it’s a blessing to me too. I had a conversation with two ladies I had just met and they asked how long I had been living on the SIL center. Two months, I told them. “Two months or two years?” Months, I replied. They went on smiling and laughing, telling me how good my Pidgin is and that they were impressed. It was a blessing because that is often where I feel the most inadequate. I am not fluent in Tok Pisin by any stretch of the imagination, but God surpasses all language barriers. A toddler, Indina, grew quite fond of me and she was content to sit with me and feel my hair and skin until her mother finished a round of volleyball.

I was glad for one last chance to sit and talk with the villagers, but I think it made it all the harder to leave. I would have regretted not going, so it is for the best, even though it hurts now. I will miss long afternoons in the sun watch games of volleyball and chatting with people, some I know well, others I don’t know at all. Adults are happy to approach me with abandon to introduce themselves and talk or just simply shake my hand. Kids will watch me from a distance before coming close and wanting to play with me. It’s truly beautiful.

Okay, I’ve rambled enough and my peace has increased from this introspection. I look forward to seeing you, my friends and family in the states, but until then, keep my heart and safety in your prayers.

Beloved

 Today I was going to write about the gift God gave me Thursday of being able to play softball and how much joy that gave me, but God seems to have other plans. Today, you will actually be able to read part of my own personal journalings in my Moleskine.

“Oh, today how I am blessed! Oh, today how God is with me! I hate that in the darkness I oft forget what God has made so plainly known! Oh, but I am a new creation and His mercies are new each morning. I do not want to leave this place or this moment, though I will move forward in joy. I will not always have these mountains or this sunshine, but I will have the Lord, who is with me always as He is now. The heavens are surely declaring the glory of God as I sit beneath this tree. The choir is practicing now and singing ‘Hallelujah!’ with my heart. The smell of the dirt and grass and the warmth are lulling me to sleep, but my senses are too stimulated for that; the joy in my heart is too great. The sky could not be more blue nor the clouds more soft. The new vegetation that has become familiar and the norm smile upon me with no hint of sadness at my preparing to leave them. We are now old friends who will never be apart no matter how much space separates us.

What God has in store for me, I don’t know. Mountains and jungles like I have seen here? The snow of the tundra? The cornfields of home? It’s no matter. I am the Lord’s beloved, a term I’ve somehow never felt appropriate for myself until this day. How have I missed His wooing me like this before? Is this what I came here to learn? A greater depth of God’s love for me? To be able to say honestly, ‘Lord, my God, I want nothing more than You. Let me know You more and that will be enough. If I have no friend or lover save You, it is more than enough,’? Perhaps. I cannot claim to know the things which He alone can know. But I know that I must continue to grow and change; I can never be the same.”

And then it gets into things not necessary to be shared with anyone but God, but I will let you know how my meandering ends.

“I do not want to leave PNG, but when I do, I will continue to seek the Lord in everything and strive to follow Him with all my heart. Life will not always be as picturesque as it is today, but my God will always be as loving and perfect as He has always been. I will always be His beloved, even in my darkest hour, and He will always be mine. I need not more than this, for I am already blessed beyond measure.”

I hope this makes sense to you all. I know it is a bit out of place without context and the middle, but those things are best kept off the Internet. Some things are too sacred to be plastered everywhere, especially when so fresh and new, but I did want to share with you all some of what I learned today.

 

Beginning Debrief

So much has been happening lately. Sorry I haven’t been updating regularly. It’s hard to find the time to sit down and blog.

            I leave Ukarumpa a week from tomorrow morning. I can’t believe it’s almost been two whole months. I have been having a blast and am not ready to trade these beautiful mountains for my home of cornfields. I am ready to see my friends and family again, though. Oh well, it was great while it lasted!

            I got another roommate on Tuesday. She is on a break from her village. She’s very spunky and we get along great. Unfortunately, she went to the clinic yesterday and has malaria. Poor girl. So she’ll be out of it for the next few days. The good news is that this is a good place to get malaria if you’re going to get it because the doctors here are familiar with it and it is easily treated.

Here is the conclusion of the response paper I had to write for my professor regarding my internship:

"Overall, I have greatly enjoyed my time working at LCORE. My job working on profiles has allowed me to do in-depth studies of the differences and similarities in the subcultures of Papua New Guineans. In order to successfully write even a single People Profile, I must become a sort of mini-expert on each language. This has been one of my favorite parts of writing People Profiles. It is almost like I was able to visit the most remote parts of Papua New Guinea without actually leaving the office (though I did, fortunately, get to travel to nearby villages and towns).

The hardest part of work for me has been staying inside for the majority of the day. It is winter here, so the sun goes down between 6:00 and 6:30 P.M. each night, and women cannot, or at least should not, be walking without a male present past dark as security is a big issue here. The mountain air and beautiful surrounding often seem to call to me while I’m in the office. My previous summers have consisted of my working jobs that require me to be outside almost the entire day, so this has been a big switch for me. Luckily, the hours here are very flexible, so it is easy for me to leave the office in time to spend a few hours at the barn a few times a week. I have even been invited to play against the high school’s softball team here as a sort of pre-season scrimmage. These outlets have kept me sane and able to work in an office setting.

I have discovered that flexibility is one of my strengths and that it is absolutely necessary for being a writer. Editors and bosses will change their minds or make mistakes, but I must continue to write everything as if it were the most important thing I’d write in my life (an adaption of a lesson I learned in orchestra). Deadlines, expectations, and priorities can change in a minute, so it is important that I be flexible and able to change too.

Focus is also a necessary part of a writer’s life, and it is, unfortunately, something I seem to lack. Even in school it is difficult for me to focus on one thing for a large period of time. It is even more difficult for me to remain focused here in a completely different environment full of new things to explore. My stubbornness has been a positive in this instance because it has somehow allowed me to focus on the same, often monotonous, tasks day after day without loss of productivity or excellence. Taking short breaks has also been beneficial to me. It is good for me to be able to get my mind off work for a brief time so that I can start again refreshed.

This experience has blessed and changed me in more ways than I’m probably aware of right now. One of the main ways it has affected my identity as a writer is by confirming that there are many needs writers can fill overseas. I don’t have the slightest clue where I will end up after I graduate, but I know the following: I can freelance from almost anywhere on the globe, and writers are an important and necessary part of almost all organizations. My options are quite limitless in these respects. The only thing that will hold me back in my career is myself, and that’s one thing over which I have nearly complete control (after all, I am not my own). I may not know precisely what my future will look like, but I am positive that writing will be a big part of it.

This experience has also encouraged me to try new things with my writing. I could have potential as a Public Relations writer or even a fiction writer, as I discovered through your [Dr. Hensley’s] Writing Commercial Fiction class this spring. Both of these are things I wouldn’t have thought I was capable of a year ago."

I hope that gives you a bit of insight into just a few of the things I have learned while here. There is still much introspection that needs to be done. I don’t think I’ve even begun to process a lot of what I’ve experienced here because there’s just so much.

Please pray for my travels. I leave here the 12^th and spend two days in Port Moresby. I leave very early in the morning on the 14^th. Pray that my flights will go smoothly, that I won’t miss any of my connections, and that I will be able to get through customs without any problems. Please also pray for safety in Port Moresby as it is one of the most dangerous places in PNG.